Wishing you had court side seats to any of this year’s pro tennis tournaments? You might want to wish for something else instead. A new offensive tennis weapon has wafted into the top levels of tennis, and is now allegedly a widespread practice.
The fart fault, also known as The Farult, is the practice of leaving a heinous bad fart at the baseline just prior to switching sides. Think it is no big deal? Try returning a 140 mph server while standing in a fart cloud and trying not to breathe.
Recently suspended pro tennis ballboy, Harry “Green Balls” Greenbaum, describes the technique for “gas overloading”, also called brewing or fueling.
“All you need is a food processor, or blender, along with some cabbage, black beans, and raisins. You mix this with a small amount of energy drink into a concentrated, shot sized jello cube that you can hide in your tennis towel and discretely ingest at any crucial time during the match. It goes through your system in just a few minutes. Walk by any pro tennis locker room, and you can hear the blenders.”
Roger “Farterer”, as he has been nicknamed by tennis insiders, has been accused by the French sports media, of using farulting to win his last seven grand slam victories.
USTA Position Statement on Farulting
The USTA, who only recently got wind of the farulting controversy, is launching a full scale investigation, along with setting up random fart testing during all USTA pro events.
“It’s not the natural farters that we’re after”, states an unidentified USTA spokesperson. “It’s the fart dopers. They are ruining it for everyone.”
Inside sources have told this reporter that natural farters are under increasing pressure to fuel during important matches. It is almost impossible to win a dead heat tie breaker naturally.
And what about the fans? Other than the courtside fans, no one seems to care.