Wishing you had court side seats to any of this year’s pro tennis tournaments? You might want to wish for something else instead.  A new offensive tennis weapon has wafted into the top levels of tennis, and is now allegedly a widespread practice.

The fart fault, also known as The Farult, is the practice of leaving a heinous bad fart at the baseline just prior to switching sides.  Think it is no big deal?  Try returning a 140 mph server while standing in a fart cloud and trying not to breathe.

Recently suspended pro tennis ballboy,  Harry “Green Balls” Greenbaum, describes the technique for “gas overloading”, also called brewing or fueling.

“All you need is a food processor, or blender, along with some cabbage, black beans, and raisins. You mix this with a small amount of energy drink into a concentrated, shot sized jello cube that you can hide in your tennis towel and discretely ingest at any crucial time during the match.  It goes through your system in just a few minutes. Walk by any pro tennis locker room, and you can hear the blenders.”

Roger “Farterer”, as he has been nicknamed by tennis insiders, has been accused by the French sports media, of using farulting to win his last seven grand slam victories.

USTA Position Statement on Farulting

The USTA, who only recently got wind of the farulting controversy, is launching a full scale investigation, along with setting up random fart testing during all USTA pro events.

“It’s not the natural farters that we’re after”, states an unidentified USTA spokesperson. “It’s the fart dopers.  They are ruining it for everyone.”

Inside sources have told this reporter that natural farters are under increasing pressure to fuel during important matches.  It is almost impossible to win a dead heat tie breaker naturally.

And what about the fans?  Other than the courtside fans, no one seems to care.

Haiku by Chu Poo

“Hot Box”

Two men will enter.
One farts in elevator.
Both know stinky truth.

Undocumented Farts are a Steamy Issue

Bixbee, Arizona is on the front line in the little known war against Mexican fart smugglers.  Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is very much aware of the problem and is targeting people who are trafficking illegal farts across the U.S./Mexican border and releasing them into U.S. airspace.

Who are these Mexican fart smugglers and how can we stop them?

The typical method of fart smuggling is in their ass, says U.S. border patrol captain, Larry Dickson.

“We do question people coming across the border into the U.S.  We ask them when their last meal was, what they had to eat, and if they had a recent BM.”

A new law is being voted on in Congress that allows U.S. border agents to make any person suspected of the illegal immigration of farts to do 20 jumping jacks at the border station just prior to US entry.

This “profiling” of people that look like they have to fart, has many diverse critics.  Ironically, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, opposes the new law.  Inside sources have revealed that Governor Brewer’s close advisors have informed her that she often looks like she has to fart.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer.
Possibly about to fart or simply smelling a fart.
Somehow, it appears a fart is involved.

Asked why there are not similar concerns along the U.S./Canadian border, Dickson replied that it is a non-issue because Canadians don’t really fart much…except for Celine Dion.

Haiku by Chu Poo

“Robofart 2121”

Technology thrives
Robots can synthesize farts
The smell of progress

I Fart Then Walk Away